He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
