he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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