I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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