Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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