We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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