A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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