in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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