She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
