new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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