Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
