i don't like sucking hair
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
