How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
