Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
