just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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