I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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