Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
