i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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