My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
