I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
