I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
