I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
