How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
