When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
