umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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