im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
