She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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