Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
