Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
