saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
