He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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