Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
