well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
