Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
