I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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