Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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