This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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