I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
