maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
