the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
