Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
