just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
false alarm, still single
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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