I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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