Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is wine microwaveable?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
