The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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