apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How's work?
Spinning.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
