Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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