Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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