My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
