I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
