I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
