Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
