trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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