I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This baby is an asshole
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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