in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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