this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
