I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
