He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
