i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
